_Friday, March 30
I just went to my email, it's all gone. Where did it go? I had a bunch of stuff in my inbox that I still needed to read. I haven't even been able to get to it for the past couple of days. I keep getting a screen saying; "We're sorry, we are very busy. Come back again in 20 minutes." When I go back after 20 minutes it tells me the same thing. Yesterday I started an account at hotmail. I'm glad I did, it loods like I'm going to have to abandon my old email from i-love-cats.com

Today I was sitting in a waiting room. I was bored and looking through my bag. A mini brush was discovered. There was a sticker on the back. The ends had curled up, hair was stuck to it. Maybe it's not good to put a sticker on a brush. I pulled the hair off. I considered dropping it on the floor. I didn't want anyone to see me drop it on the floor. I put it in my bag to fall to the bottom.

I'm making bread. "Just got feet. Don't got shoes."

_Friday, March 30
I couldn't have hoped for anything nicer than waking up to the sound of steady, soothing pre-dawn rain and now, while I hit my usual mid afternoon slump, there is a crack of thunder to make me smile at the promise of a storm. So today brings gifts and special birthday coffee and phone calls and the feeling that 29 has got to be better than 28. Surely with 29 there comes motivation and inspiration and lots of good, creatively satisfying work. It has been 7 months since I left full-time work, and I still feel like I am just starting out. I still feel scared and small and totally not in control. Just now, just before that crack of thunder, I thought "I know who will make me feel better" and I drop in to visit her web site and find my friend in exactly the same state of suspension as me... I am sure you remember that heavy feeling that hangs around when you should be studying for exams. That feet-dragging feeling of procrastination that dulls out everything - until all you can do (circa 1988) is eat after-school snacks of weetbix spread with butter while watching Degrassi Junior High. It's all too big and scary and there is no obvious place to start. Except now I feel that every day. I spring out of bed and get all ready to have a really good day, because for some reason today is totally different from yesterday. And then suddenly it's three o'clock and the day is almost gone again and I have done a bit of web design work for a client and eaten a tuna sandwich and made 2 cups of coffee and maybe around 7 cups of herbal tea and I feel pretty crappy. But then 7pm comes along and I get all cheerful again because even though today was a bit of a write off, and some days it even outright sucked, that's all in the past now and tomorrow is going to be nothing like today. And that's what I do every day. So what to do? I can make some lists (set some goals, objectives, strategies, tasks), quit napping in the afternoon, make sure I do something (anything) in my sketch book every day, stop worrying that my illustrations are no good, stop indulging anxiety attacks and get healthy... Keri's soup looks like a good start.

_Thursday, March 29
http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php3?client=hpcharacter Go there for a cool harry potter quiz one of my fans sent me =]

_Thursday, March 29
I have just got back from a fabulous long walk in the cold and the rain. I bought some beans ready for a bean soup making fiesta this afternoon, and some crusty bread to eat with the soup. Mmm. Things are looking up this week, I am definitely feeling as though I have come out of some dark tunnel after last week's creative/life/career crisis point.

This week I am concentrating on being extremely nice to myself. Although this is slightly (totally) self-indulgent I am actually finding that 1) my mood is the best I can remember in ages - so much so I feel almost giddy with delight and 2) I am working on some ideas for some folio pieces that I am really pleased with (perhaps in watercolour again, which I haven't touched since those fray pictures) and 3) My back is giving me very little trouble... which could be why I feel so good, or it could be because I feel so good.

Something I've been doing each morning (since Monday) before I get out of bed, is scrawling down four pages of writing. I write down whatever enters my head or what ever little niggle I have woken up with. I write even if there is nothing to write about - I write absolute rubbish that I hope I never accidentally read again. But it doesn't matter, that's the point of it, it's all a flow of consciousness. And then it seems that I have accomplished something even before I get out of bed. Even when I wake up feeling a bit grizzly and dreading the day ahead, this so far seem to be shaking it off. This exercise is something that I can remember being taught in creative writing courses I have taken. It's all about the practice of writing and getting the creative juices flowing rather than that horrible feeling of being stuck because any work you produce needs to be of quality. There is more on this idea in The Artist's Way and Writing Down the Bones. It only takes 10-15 minutes (if it takes longer, you are being way too careful) and it totally rocks.

_Saturday, January 13
Oh wow! I really like this layout, the font has changed big time. But I think I really do like this one. I archived my pages, which you can visit through (1) and (2). I just finished eating tropical source peanut butter chocolate chips, with peanut butter (yes, more peanut butter). I feel a little sick. I'm still working on the webpage. I promised someone I would make invitations for them, I need to do that tonight. My back hurts. I'm going to go change into pajama pants.